Janelle evicted from Big Brother All-Stars, leaving Mike and Erika as the final two

What a difference 48 hours makes. Janelle has been evicted from the Big Brother house, and either Mike “Boogie” Malin or Erika will win the show. Here is how I feel about that:

Anyway, this is like so many previous seasons of this show: the people we despise always end up at the end, and my interest drops off instantly. It’s also surprising how, considering the strength of so many players this season, two of the weakest players ended up at the end. But I suppose they can’t be weak if they made it to the end.

Right after Janelle walked out the door, Boogie and Erika kissed. That was curious, since they seemed to hate each other just a few days ago. There’s been a persistent rumor that they’ve been dating and have a pre-show alliance, and that moment seemed to support it. I would be blown away and impressed if they used Janelle to evict Will so the couple could make it to the end without Mike having to betray Will.

However, that’s very unlikely, because, as we saw, Mike was so devastated upon Will’s eviction that he literally cried. And unless he’s some fantastic actor, it was the most genuine we’ve seen him act all season. “I’ve never been in the Big Brother house, in two seasons, without Will, so it’s a very odd feeling. I’m very upset right now,” he said, crying. “We can dish it out but we can’t take it.” Well, there’s the first honest thing he’s said inside the house. So wonderful to wallow in his pain. Mike’s misery is like a pool of chocolate; you just want to put your face in it and blow bubbles.

Also, I doubt Erika and Mike conspired to act like they hated each other, because Mike said the following about her: “I’m just glad that America now knows that Erika is in fact a ho. So, I’ve used that girl up for all I need, I’ve got myself in a position to win this game, and that’s all she was good for.” Actually, Mike, what America has been reminded of once again is that you’re a pathetic excuse for a man.

The reason Janelle left was that Mike won both the second and the third parts of the HOH competition. He managed to defeat Janelle in the second part, which appeared to be yet another game the producers devised without actually thinking about it first. For one, there was the issue of fairness: suspended from wires, they had to pull themselves along a steel scaffolding structure, and as Janelle pointed out, “It was hard just because I’m physically probably not as strong as Boogie and it was hard for me to pull myself around to different mirrors.” Of course, Janelle has benefited in the past from the inherent unfairness of other games. However, as she was adjusting mirrors, in order to point lasers at other mirrors, she couldn’t see the laser beam. Perhaps that was because there wasn’t enough fog in-between them, perhaps Janelle had misaligned hers, or perhaps they just used cheap-ass lasers. Regardless, the challenges always seem to involve things that fail and fall apart; why does this never happen on Survivor?

Meanwhile, in the jury house, Marcellas and Howie stopped sniping at each other for a minute to welcome Will. Marcellas said Will’s eviction was “sweet, poetic justice.” Upon watching the eviction, James and Danielle both didn’t buy Janelle’s “I’ve made a lot of mistakes” speech; James said she was “completely trying to get votes.” It totally worked, however, on Marcellas. “I loved hearing Janelle dedicate Dr. Ill’s eviction to me, even if Howie’s name was mentioned in the same sentence. God.”

Speaking of speeches designed for the jury, Mike–wearing a Dolce shirt to remind us what restaurants to no longer visit–evicted Janelle by saying, “I’m not here for vengeance. Janelle, you are a phenomenal player. I hated you, I loved you, I adore you, I couldn’t say a bad word about you.” How nice, except for, you know, those words you said about pissing and shitting on Janelle’s face.