While I was playing craps in Las Vegas, life in the Big Brother 7 house continued to shuffle forward, and the show aired three more episodes. On Thursday, Nakomis was booted by a vote of 8 to 2, having remained on the block when Erika won the power of veto and chose not to use it.
Kaysar spent part of Tuesday’s episode trying to justify his “lame-ass nominations,” as Marcellas called them; even Kaysar’s ally Janelle called his decision “easy way out” and said his “nominations just suck” because Kaysar made a deal with Will and Boogie, the least-trustworthy people in the house.
But after yet another season six alliance member won HOH on Thursday, the strategizing became a bit more interesting. James realized he was the odd person out in the alliance, and considered working with Will, who’s apparently only transparent when you’re not interacting with him in person. The Six talked about putting George up in order to force a non-season sixer to put up one of their own, and because “he’s fucking worthless,” as James told Danielle.
James abandoned the first plan and embraced the second, nominating both George and Dr. Will, who looked like a damn Oompa Loompa during the nomination ceremony thanks to either a horrible fake tan or too much sunlight on his pasty skin. James seemed to suggest that Will wasn’t just a pawn, but might actually go home. If only.
Most of that happened toward the end of last night’s episode. Thus, for the rest of the past three episodes, there was so little going on that the editors gave us segments time killing-segments that featured:
- Jase and James talking about getting old, as if we weren’t already painfully aware of them aging before our eyes.
- a showering Howie forgetting his towel and calling for Kaysar to retrieve it for him, because “little Howie is getting smaller and smaller.” Watching shit like this must be what it’s like for those who watch the live feeds.
- Nakomis dying her hair “like a deviled egg,” as Will said. Yes, it’s much worse to die your hair wild colors than to pluck every single one from your body.
- Janelle and Marcellas commenting about the cast pictures on the wall, which led to an entire sequence where each cast member was shown with cheesy graphics as it they were a soap opera character–as if this season had anywhere near that much drama.
- “the Mike Boogie Birthday Jam,” which included a bikini-clad Erika sitting on the table with “happy birthday” written in whipped cream on her thighs. Watching Boogie lick it off was enough to make one remove their genitalia with tongs.
- Diane crying multiple times about how “cutthroat” everyone is and how she can’t deal with that because she “killed all my brain cells because I smoked a bunch of pot.”
- Marcellas speculating on the beauty of a possible final two of him and Janelle. “Oh my god, it would be so aesthetically pleasing!” he said.
- Will “being sexually harassed by a big idiot.” Naturally, he was talking about Howie, whose strategy of annoying Will may have him dry humping Will in the middle of the night in just a few more days.
- Julie Chen asking Howie if he would “go see Dr. Will to get some work done.”
- Kaysar, his sister, and others talking about his life as a Muslim. I am pretty sure they just repeated this segment from last season, the lazy bastards.
- the possibility of Jase and Diane talking together, which has become known as “The Mr. and Mrs. Smith Thing,” based upon Jase’s desire to be Brad Pitt, and Diane’s resemblance to Angelina Jolie. Because she’s a white woman? Please.
- George cleaning the house and cooking. Why wouldn’t one pay to watch this 24/7?
- everyone pretending to care about James’ HOH room, which had new interior design and pictures of Sarah, also known as The Reason James Lost Last Season.
- Mike Boogie (painfully) trying to work out, although tragically there’s no exercise to fix one’s atrophied personality.
- Will complaining, which Kaysar smartly noted was him “playing the game,” and Will admitted was his attempt to “demoralize” the houseguests. Well, it’s working on me.
- Jase and Howie making up a song about “a blow-up inner tube,” which would have been clever product placement had it not been such a bad song.
- James, Danielle, and Janelle stirring their “slop,” which is just protein-rich oatmeal, no matter how often they call it “slop.”
- Mike Boogie’s “sleeptalking,” which is “scaring the shit out of” Janelle, as she said, although she surmised she could use it to her advantage.
- Danielle waking up early and talking about raising her kids.
Reading the above list makes you realize how pitifully boring this season is. The producers need to mix things up, and fast. I suggest replacing the Golden Power of Veto with the Golden Power of Tasing a Fellow Houseguest Until They Pee Themselves.