America selected eight of the 14 Big Brother 7 all-stars, all of whom hate the BB6 cast

Big Brother 7 arrived last night, and while previous seasons have taken a week or two for something significant to happen in the house, the all-star season began with drama right away. First, Julie Chen announced the four women and four men who had received the greatest number of votes; instead of selecting six candidates, America picked eight. Ooh, the juicy, mind-blowing twists have already begun!

The audience votes for the women went to Janelle, Erika, Nakomis, and Diane. Thus, the producer’s choices was racist Alison and Danielle.

For the men, the audience voted for Howie, Kaysar, James, and Jase. Thus, the producers cast dumbass Mike Boogie, Dr. Will, Marcellas and George. It’s kind of nice to know that the biggest assholes, for the most part, weren’t selected by America, and also kind of nice to know that, collectively, we have a very short-term memory; half of our picks were on the show last summer.

The weird thing about the first episode was that nearly the entire cast seem to be loser has-beens except for those members of the Big Brother 6 cast, who we still feel comfortable with. So, my guess is that America is firmly behind James, Janelle, Kaysar, and Howie, and the rest of the cast is basically dispensable, particularly that twit Mike Boogie.

And the other houseguests know it. “Did I just time warp into Big Brother 6?” Jase asked. All of the others are also ga-ga over the house, which despite its dictionary theme, appears to be the exact same house as last summer. Thus, the old-skool cast members keep saying things like, “In my day, the Big Brother house was just a double-wide trailer that smelled like dorm-room ass.”

True to Big Brother form, the first HOH competition was impossibly lame, even despite a strong metaphor (being knocked off one’s pedestal). Although the set design was decent, knocking contestants off pedestals with a swinging meteor was way too easy, and Janelle and Jase didn’t really do much but stand there to win (although Jase did push the swinging meteor toward Marcellas, knocking him off).

As spoilers revealed, the first HOH competition yielded two HOHs, Janelle and Jase, who “share the responsibility of nominating two people for eviction,” Julie Chen said, and who “will automatically lose their HOH privileges and become the nominees themselves” if they can’t agree on two nominees.

That led to some immediate strategizing from Danielle, who thought she could use that rule to her advantage. Instead, along with Alison, she’s getting punished for being too openly competitive early in the game. Janelle and Jase agreed, and Alison and Danielle were the first two nominated for eviction. “You guys have the ability to turn people against us,” Janelle said.

Alison was more annoyed than Danielle, and being the lunatic that she is, told us, “America might like Janelle; I hate her. I’m probably going to pull her out by her fake hair and her fake boobs and drown her in the pool. I don’t think she knows what she’s getting into. This is not the way I play Big Brother,” Alison said. Well, get used to losing, loser. And don’t think we’re going to muster up the strength it takes to hate your ass for a third reality series just because you threatened to kill America’s summertime reality crush.