Simon touches Paula’s crotch as the final three perform

The American Idol judges are now so bored that they’re giggling and touching each other’s privates like they’re little kids. Drunk little kids.

Last night, the sexual innuendo started when Taylor pulled Paula onto the little stage behind the judges to dance with her; she had a blast, continuing to dance even when Taylor returned to the real stage. Afterwards, she said, “I wish I would have known so I could have doublestick tape, because that was a little nerve-wracking.” She adjusted her open dress next to her right breast as Randy said, “ahem!”

Paula recovered and praised Taylor, saying, “I had fun with you; you’re incredible.” When it was Simon’s turn to judge, he said, “Paula, for your age, you were fantastic.” Paula unleashed a wave of fake laughter, stood up, stumbled and fell into Simon with her eyes closed.

Later, when Ryan Seacrest was interviewing Paula about her song choice for Elliott Yamin, Simon was off-camera, but his hand suddenly crept into the frame, and went right for Paula’s vagina, which Paula had previously identified as the source of her magic. She jerked her arm rapidly and batted his hand away, saying, “Stop it, Simon!” Ryan then said, “Simon, I’m going to have to ask you to walk out to the parking lot while we try and get through the show, please; you’re acting like a child.” He then added, “I’ll be in my dressing room later if you’d like to recreate that.”

Paula tried to get back at Simon, tickling him while he introduced the song he selected for Katharine, and it was his turn to cry, “stop it.” Neither got time-outs, but luckily for them, they only have one more week of boredom left.

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.