8th & Ocean cast: a primer

I’ve become addicted to MTV’s 8th & Ocean, the Laguna Beach-esque series that follows models living in South Beach and airs Tuesdays at 10:30 p.m. Perhaps because they actually have something to do with their time other than create drama, or perhaps just because I’m getting old, I’m much more absorbed in their drama than I ever was with the inhabitants of Laguna Beach.

The show is primarily gripping because it has a very strong cast, all of whom are either exceptionally interesting or totally hate-worthy. Both MTV.com and Irene Marie’s web site has a section about the show that introduces us to the models and agency staff, but it tells us nothing about what they’re really like. So, as a public service, here’s a brief deconstruction of each cast member, and why they’re so fun to watch:

  • Briana. Desperately wishes the camera would focus on her other than when she’s standing next to Sabrina or Kelly. Looks suspiciously like Jen from The Dark Crystal.
  • Teddy. Stupid. Vacant. There’s about .01 percent of his brain that’s not devoted to biological functions, and that part is singularly focused on trying to stick his tongue and penis into unsuspecting women.
  • Tracie. The most unnecessarily insecure person ever. Clearly one of the smarter and more together women on the show, but she’s crippled by her age and the warnings that that shrew Irene keeps giving her. Probably will be disappointed once she realizes her stint on this show won’t get her any acting jobs in LA, but will eventually find success.
  • Vinci. Desperately needs someone to put him in his place but is too valuable so everyone deals with his crap. His ego was apparently massive before the cameras ever showed up, so now that the show’s airing, he’s probably going to be the most insufferable model in South Beach.
  • Adrian and Sean. See Briana, except for The Dark Crystal part. Appear to have been cast as the dull sidekicks to horny moron Teddy and pretty asshole Vinci.
  • Kelly. The show’s stand-out bitch. So massively insecure that she’s only able to hide it by beating down her even more insecure twin, doing things like “forgetting” to tell her about a casting.
  • Sabrina. Allows others’ judgments of her to cripple her because she’s gone through life staring at a version of herself who’s slightly better in every way. Is now enjoying her newfound success and Kelly’s failure a bit too much, although she deserves it and Kelly deserves to suffer.
  • Britt. The most slutty looking, thisclose-to-becoming-a-whore “innocent midwestern girl” reality TV has ever seen.
  • Suzy. Booker at Irene Marie Models who thinks she and her bluetooth headset is the star of the show. Manufactures drama and pretends to be upset just to get the cameras to focus on her.
  • Irene Marie. Defines “irony” when she sits in her office rudely discussing models’ attitude problems and physical flaws while she herself is shriveled and decomposing.