The Amazing Race 9: the lost episode

A few weeks ago, I accidentally deleted my notes for the fourth episode of The Amazing Race 9. I was so annoyed with myself that I took away my Bristle Block privileges for the rest of the week.

Last night, however, something miraculous happened: My notes from the episode appeared. Especially since I’ve sort of given up on gathering fun quotes from the show, at least for now, I can’t let these go to waste, even if they are almost a month old:

  • “Hope the girls make it through. We’re havin’ a lot of fun with them. And hopefully we’ll blow their heads out of their final asses,” Jeremy said. At least, that’s what it sounded like he said.
  • “Do you girls have hickeys, someobdy kissing you? Is that why you have the scarves around that? You’re so sweet and so helpful,” Eric told two women at the airport. However many times he’s been sued for sexual harassment, it’s not enough.
  • BJ and Tyler and Eric and Jeremy raced each other around the airport in wheelchairs. Alas, they were still able to walk; no one, say, clubbed them in the knees.
  • Jeremy called their next destination “Pole-er-moe,” while Moncica pronounced it “pahl-ehr-moe.” Better, Monica said, “People look at me and think I’m a dumb blonde. I can’t believe we’re going to pahl-ehr-moe, Italy. I’ll use the dumb blonde and the ditz to my advantage because I’m not stupid. Joseph later called it “Palameno,” and Monica corrected him saying, “Palermoe.” You can’t script this kind of stupidity.
  • Lake, upset, said, “Those freakin’ people. We sat around with our thumbs up our butts. We did everything wrong.” But hey, at least you had some fun.
  • “This is more like our flavor. Nice warm weather, and Italian women. Oh, Italian women,” Jeremy said, in the same way someone would say, “Nice warm weather and mosquitoes. Oh, mosquitoes.”
  • “Your hair looks fine,” Eric said while, instead of driving, Jeremy fluffed his hair like Jonathan Antin demonstrating Dirt.
  • Whereas last seasons the challenges were all about racetracks, this season they’re about driving the teams insane with searches through piles of similar things. This Detour option involved searching through 2400 pieces of laundry.
  • Weaving crazily through the streets, Barry said, “Drivin’ like an Italian, man. I love it,” and Fran wet her pants.
  • BJ’s new idea of funny is making fun of Italian accents. Hah!
  • “This is going to be a nightmare in hell,” one of the D girls said, and she was talking about driving, not spending yet another night with Eric or Jeremy.
  • “This is one of Phil’s turtlenecks,” Eric said, looking through laundry. When he says something that’s legitimately
    funny, I want to pat him on the head and hand him a cookie.
  • “Maybe there’s a clue box.” “Well, it’s not down here. That’s obvious,” Barry said, walking right by the clue box. Again. I think he needs to take a vision test.
  • “I wonder if these young teams know what a clothespin is,” Barry said. Of course we do, you funny old man. It’s what they use to artificially tighten the clothes on mannequins at Express.
  • “Look at all these clothes!” Lake said, thinking he was at the Detour. Michelle stopped him, saying, “Baby, people live there! That’s their stuff!”
  • When BJ and Tyler said something stupid at the mat, Phil turned his head, laughing, or perhaps puking into his mouth once again.
  • “Those Greek guys are ripped,” Jeremy said. “Check out the bicep on that arm.” One of these days, I think we’re going to learn something about Jeremy, sort of like we learned something about Hunter on Bravo’s Manhunt.Oh, wait.
  • Lake asked Barry a question as they passed on a path, and Barry said, “Can’t tell you.” Burned by the old guy!
  • “I’m so sorry girls. I really really really really don’t–really didn’t want to do that, I promise,” Michelle said as she yielded the D team. “Obviously they feel threatened by us,” one of the Ds said. “That’s seriously so pathetic,” one said a few minutes later, crying, and the other called them “hicks from the south.” Clearly the Yield works to create drama.
  • “It does not fit anywhere,” Lori said, frustrated with the two extra pieces of a statue puzzle producers included just to screw with the teams. “I have these two pieces that they don’t fit. I’ve tried every hole.” Of course, no team had a problem with this except the nerdy team; concrete-sequential thinking is not an advantage on the race.
  • Lake carried Michelle to the mat, and between that to the other teams’ mat shenanigans, Phil looks like he’s one episode away from punching someone in the kidney.
  • Danielle and Dani got eliminated. “That was a pretty quick hookup with Eric and Jeremy,” Phil told them, which is New Zealand for “you sluts.” In any case, my guess is their elimination made half of Eric and Jeremy very upset, and the other half secretly very, very happy.