Ace goes home after American Idol’s asshole producers torture the finalists

On last night’s results show, American Idol 5 ramped up its cruelty about 100 notches. If this show ever goes off the air, the sadistic bastards who produce the series will certainly find work crafting torture storylines for 24.

Here’s what happened: After six of the seven remaining contestants were separated into two groups of three, Taylor was still on the couch. Then Ryan Seacrest, lapdog and henchman of the producers who come up with this appalling crap, told him, “Taylor, I want you to join whichever group you think America decided is safe.”

As he got to the word “you,” even the sycophantic audience started groaning and booing in disbelief that producers were forcing a contestant to essentially turn on their own. Seriously, if you lose the studio audience, you know you’ve crossed the line. When the delusion that Idol is a family-friendly show, not an exercise in masochism, falls, it’s just utter chaos.

Ever the willing whore, Ryan Seacrest told Taylor, “Don’t do it yet. Think about it Taylor, think about it America. We’ll be back after the break.” Yes, the torture will continue after we sell some ads.

When the show returned, Ryan acknowledged that the audience was upset. “Very tense in the studio now; Taylor next to me,” he said. “I told you that he is safe tonight. Now, you have a decision to make, Taylor. Which group do you think America decided is safe? Take a look at the faces. I want you to stand with the group you think is safe. Taylor, go ahead.”

Taylor walked to the right-hand part of the stage, joining Chris, Paris, and Ace. He shook Chris’ hand–and then walked over to the other group, dissing the first group. Cold! Want to bet that if someone gave Taylor a puppy and said that it was his to kick, he’d punt it across the street?

Ryan was thrown by Taylor’s switch and had to correct himself halfway through telling us whether or not Taylor’s decision was the correct one: “Taylor, I’m sorry–you’ve chosen the correct group now; they are all safe.” From the bottom three, Paris was sent to the couch, leaving Chris and Ace. Ace, naturally, was eliminated, exactly as DialIdol correctly predicted.

Next week, tune in when producers tear out the contestants’ teeth with pliers and shoot their family members in the thigh.

Update: Alert viewers report that the show has actually done the same thing the past two seasons, although last year Bo Bice refused to participate. (That almost makes me regret skipping the middle of the season.) I guess if anything, the producers are consistently assholes.

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.