The Amazing Race 9 reaches Germany and the product-whoring starts

Teams traveled from Moscow to Germany on last night’s Amazing Race 9, and that’s when the product placement began. Highlights from the episode:

  • Leaving Red Square, Jeremy said, “That would have been a prime spot, you know, to be, I don’t know, holding hands with the chicks.” Eric agreed. “It wasn’t very romantic with Jeremy and I,” Eric said. “Yeah, it was a little gay. A little gay.” Yeah, two straight guys walking around Moscow is very gay as opposed to, you know, two straight guys slapping each other on the ass all the time.
  • “You are the best, and beautiful too,” Eric or Jeremy told an airline representative, right before they got on the last flight to leave for Germany that evening, apparently trying to reclaim their heterosexuality after that gay, gay, gay walk through Red Square.
  • “We’re going to staple this to our ass. And then, hopefully, things will go okay,” one of the D girls said, having previously left some of their belongings at a challenge.
  • After learning that they were still racing, Lori made fun of Phil’s poker face. She said it was just “Phil being his dramatic self.”
  • “Are there some pretty ladies in Germany?” you-know-who asked a guy on a train. The man said, “Yes. Sometimes. The more you drink…” That’s just like with Eric and Jeremy: the more you drink, the less annoying they are, particularly if you’re in the bathroom vomiting while they’re on the screen.
  • Mispronouncing a German word, Wanda told her driver, “Schlub, schlub.” Desiree asked her, “What is schlub?” “Schlub, fast,” her mom said. Desiree, exhasperated, said, “‘Schnell’ is fast.” Later she asked her mom, “Do you have to say everything Spanglish? I really need to know, Mom, why you speak in an accent. But it’s making it harder for people to understand you!”
  • Dave and Lori are some sneaky nerds. Joseph and Monica asked them if they knew where to go, and Dave said, “No, we’re going to go to a gas station.” As the other team drove away, Lori said, “Wait until they’re out of eyesight. Good job.” They justified this as “a white lie,” Lori said. “It’s a competition, you know?”
  • At a Roadblock, Phil said that “teams will have to find the Travelocity roaming gnome in order to retrieve their next clue.” Moments earlier, they were at the Mercedes-Benz dealership. With all this product-whoring, I half-expected the Detour to require teams to have their asses tattooed with the VW logo.
  • Lake asked a guy to show them where to go, and the man agreed, but said, “I-I-I can’t drive and I’m too drunk anymore.” Obviously drunk, he reassured them, “I’m sober enough” to give directions. Then he proceeded to fall asleep with his eyes open.
  • “Find that gnome! Bring it home!” Tyler screamed to BJ while doing a stupid dance. Then he stuck his head out the window and said “Goodbye for now! See you, gnomes!” I may be in the minority here, but their stupid fake acting is so irritating that, when they’re on screen, I usually hit myself in the head with my remote to dull the pain.
  • Barry said, “This is the way Fran and Barry travel: in a car, with a map, that’s what we do.” As someone who lives in Florida, I have to so say this surprised me, because I’m totally unused to older drivers a) being able to drive, b) using maps, or c) actually being able to see out the front windshield.
  • The best 11 words Phil ever said while introducing a Detour are as follows: “team members must alternate breaking stunt bottles on each other’s heads.”
  • The non-bottle option was called “Slap it,” so it was surprising that Eric and Jeremy chose to break bottles, since their aren’t-we-studs routine proves that they have a lot of practice slapping it.
  • Speaking of, it’s now pretty much assured that if there’s a vagina in the room, Eric and Jeremy are going to try to pick up its owner. “Do you want to go out with us later? Get some beers?” one of the two assclowns asked a woman at the Detour. “If you pay,” she said, but it wasn’t exactly clear that she was talking about the beer. I’ll totally forgive producers for inflicting these insufferable horny bastards on us if one of them gets arrested for picking up a prostitute.
  • “I need a changing room. I’m not wearing underwear,” Tyler said as he prepared for the Detour.
  • Michelle slammed a bottle into Lake’s head, something that seemed to be a long time in coming. “All you have to do is barely hit me!” he said. But she wasn’t having that. “Oh, shut up and take it like a man.” Moments later, she challenged his manhood again, saying, “Okay, that hurt because you hit it so soft.”
  • BJ also hit on the woman at the Detour, although he did so in German. “I would like to go dancing with you.” She said, “Oh, that’s nice of you,” probably thinking, “but I don’t go dancing with people who appear to be insane.”
  • As they checked in first at the pit stop, Phil noticed lipstick on Eric and Jeremy’s faces from kisses they received at the Detour. “I would have to say that you guys are the biggest Casanovas we’ve ever had on The Amazing Race,” he said. Eric and Jeremy went with the “promiscuous man” definition of Casanova and talked about all the action they’d received. Eric said “Danielle and Dani are really sweethearts, and they’re good times.” Jeremy added, “Man, we just hope they make it on the mat so we can, you know, do a little more tongue wrestling, whatever.” The look on Phil’s face suggested he just swallowed some vomit.
  • “Let’s go baby! You can do it! You’re great!” Michelle screamed to Lake after he complained about her lack of positivity.
  • BJ and Tyler ran to the mat backwards. It’s one thing just to hate them for sucking so much, but since these two teams keep coming in first and second, I basically want pull my hair out one strand at a time with frustration.
  • “Is it on backwards?” Ray asked Yolanda while donning a German costume. “No, it’s right, your butt’s just big,” Yolanda said.
  • Danielle and Dani made it to the pit stop before Desiree and Wanda, eliminating the mother/daughter team, and ensuring that Eric and Jeremy could keep their hands off each other for one more night.

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.