The Amazing Race 9 speeds up as Jeremy and Eric lust after Danielle and Dani

Last night’s episode of The Amazing Race 9 was this season’s first one-hour episode, and that helped bring the race back to its roots. The first episode always has way too many “travel to x t o get your next clue” segments that aren’t really entertaining, and last week was no exception. But this episode just trucked along. Between BJ and Tyler’s never-ending quest to be two wild and crazy guys (oh, how wild and crazy they are) and Eric and Jeremy’s never-ending quest to be two girl-crazy guys (oh, how girl crazy they are), there were some great moments:

  • Wearing a t-shirt that said, “Everything’s Dirtier in the South,” Eric, the nipple-ringed member of Team Nipple Ring, said, “We’re here for the race, and we’re here to do well in the race, but we definitely have girls on our brains. And if we get some sex on the race” — “or dating or something,” Jeremy interjected — “or sex, then it’s good.” Apparently they will they continue to affirm their straightness throughout this episode, too.
  • BJ and Tyler are going to pass out from exhaustion if they keep trying so hard to be funny, completely wasting their energy.
  • Of girlfriend Lori, Dave said, “She’s my hottie-boom-body with the naughty pilates. I love you.” She doubled over–perhaps laughing, but probably vomiting, like us.
  • Eric, the dark-haired member of Team Nipple Ring, noticed some prostitutes and complimented them, until Jeremy realized that the prostitutes were men. “I just said a guy has a nice ass. Yeah,” Eric said as Jeremy cracked up. A few minutes later, he said, “Let’s go get my boyfriend first, bring him with us.” Never mind; that didn’t last long.
  • “Come on Dave, slow and steady, you can do it,” Lori shouted to Dave as he climbed a fire escape, looking like he was about to keel over after just a few stories.
  • Let’s play Guess Which Heterosexual Racer Said This: “We gotta make the girls feel good, so we can get in their pants later.” If you guess Eric, you win an autographed picture of Eric and Jeremy!
  • “Come on Fran! Show ’em that senior power,” Barry said, clearly not referring to mental acuity.
  • “Jeremy, you look amazing, buddy.” Yep, Eric again.
  • About to rappel off a building, Danielle said, “I’m petrified of heights. I don’t know what made me think I could do this.” What helped her do it, though, was a hug and encouragement from Fran. Wow, teams that actually like and help each other.
  • Things were easier for Joni, who said, “I’m just hanging. I’m so fat I’m just going down.”
  • “I heard you had guns. Those are pretty nice,” Eric said, squeezing Danielle’s bicep. Then he reached for her ass. “I’m gonna have to touch it a little bit. That’s pretty nice. You girls are naughty. I like it.” By the way, Eric and Jeremy are wearing matching track pants.
  • “Back to our roots in these VWs, eh, buddy?” Tyler said, as they climbed inside an old VW bug. “Yeah, man,” BJ replied. Later, pushing the car backwards, they said, “Who needs the reverse gear?” “We got hippie power!” I hate them.
  • “Too bad she has a boyfriend.” “Yeah, I’d spank her butt too,” either Jeremy or Eric said about Monica.
  • “I can’t wait to slip on my speedo,” Jeremy said, thinking that we didn’t already know what he looked like in one. Then, getting his feet wet at a waterfall, Eric said, “These are my suede shoes man.” A few minutes later, Jeremy turned toward the camera and said, “Where’s all the girls helping us? We need some girls in swimsuits,” as if that’d help mitigate the speedo and suede shoes comments. Are the editors trying to tell us something?
  • “I’m filthy, and I love it,” Monica said.
  • Okay, Jeremy just slapped Eric on the ass as he climbed into the VW, and one of them said “Thanks buddy.” Yeah, the editors are trying to send us a message.
  • “Son of a bitch,” Lisa said, having both car and sister issues at the same time.
  • “I hope they don’t get eliminated,” Eric said of Danielle and Dani. “Then what are we going to do?” Jeremy replied. “Hook up with hippies?” OKAY EDITORS WE GET IT THEIR BEHAVIOR IS VERY VERY VERY HOMOEROTIC.
  • As they distilled sugar cane into ethanol, Dave said, “the spirit of Mr. Wizard is with us right now,” and instantly endeared himself to everyone who grew up in the 1980s watching Nickelodeon.
  • “This is karma for all the times I passed out in chemistry class,” Desiree said, waiting for the ethanol to distill. Slept? Okay. But passed out? Someone had fun in high school.
  • “Hot dogs, we got a date with Phil,” Tyler said, shortly before they came in first place. I’m just sort of hoping that they’re not for real, because, seriously, come on.
  • “Phil, do you know how cranky I am right now? I’m going to smack you, woman,” either Eric or Jeremy said as they raced toward the mat. I really wish Phil would have done more than just raise his eyebrow at them, like kick them in the nuts.
  • “You guys seem to be thinking a lot about the opposite sex while you’re doing this race,” Phil said, proving that he does not, in fact, watch footage before meeting the teams at the pit stops.
  • “Pretend you’re giving birth to a child,” Joni suggested as her sister ground sugar cane. “I had a c-section,” Lisa said.
  • “Do not expect me to ask anybody” for directions,” Lake said. “I am over, done with Spanish.” His wife reminded him, “It’s Portuguese.”
  • “It’s a dead battery. What a way to get eliminated,” Fran said a few minutes after they hauled their ancient asses up the side of a muddy waterfall only to drive to the pit stop in a car that broke down. Better, the team Fran encouraged while rappelling drove right by them without stopping. “Thought you’d be sleeping, Phil,” Fran said as they arrived at the pit stop long after dark. But he wasn’t, and he had good news: incredibly, they beat Joni and Lisa.
  • “From the first moment I saw this show, I wanted to do this,” Lisa said, bawling. Her sister kept encouraging her. “It’s okay, we did our best. We did our best, and that’s all we could do, okay?” Joni said, concluding this very special episode.
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