Kelly Perdew whores himself in an online chat

Donald Trump’s second Apprentice, whose Trump Organization job will end in March, recently participated in a Washington Post chat. After spending so much time with Trump, Apprentice 2 Kelly Perdew has clearly learned from the master of bullshit and self-promotion. However, he has yet to master the art of either, as he answered 11 of the 25 questions with some form of blatant self-promotion, and even promoted himself in a 12th answer that had no question attached. Thus, he comes across as a desperate assclown whose answers have no real substance.

In the interest of finding some value in his answers, I’ve translated some of his responses, so we can understand what he was really saying:

Kelly, on how often he sees Trump: “Donald has a VERY open door policy. I see him every couple of weeks, but could see him on a daily basis if needed. I work very closely with George and communicate with him at least every week. It is a great organization.”
Translation: I haven’t seen Donald in at least a year, probably because my office is a fort made out of a cardboard box and the couch in the break room.

Kelly, on the Apprentice 4 finale and Randal’s decision: “I would have gone the other way. Rebecca wanted to work on the other project and you could tell Mr. Trump liked her a lot. Besides, based on the show, it appeared that they both had a lot of respect for one another.”
Translation: I’m trying to be controversial make some news so someone will pay attention to me instead of these new losers.

Kelly, on not appearing on the Apprentice: “I’ve learned a lot from Donald and have been thinking BIG! I’ve been very busy working on a lot of great things. My book, TAKE COMMAND, launches today. I’m hosting a show on the Discovery Channel called “GI Factory” that premieres in March. I’m raising a VC fund to help entrepreneurs finance their ventures. I’m getting a new business off the ground with Donald. And I’m spending some time helping some very worthwhile charities. Big Brothers/Sisters (http://www.bbbs.org/), The National Guard Youth Challenge Program (http://www.ngycp.org/), and I’m donating a percentage of my book proceeds to the USO (http://www.uso.org/).”
Translation: I just avoided the question and managed to talk about myself. Chatting is fun!

Kelly, on the role of luck in life: “[...] Once you understand what you really want in life and combine those two things…you’ll be successful (however YOU define success). The chapter on “Passion” in my book covers this!”
Translation: I have also learned the art of shameless self-promotion from Donald Trump. Please hire me so I’ll have money for rent after March.

Kelly, on whether or not he does motivational speaking “[...] My speaking bureau is Greater Talent Network and you can find them on my Web site in the TEAM section. http://www.kellyperdew.com/”
Translation: I’ll motivate people if they pay me.

Kelly, on the Iraq war: “[...] But I believe that we can accomplish some great things for the people of Iraq (with their assistance) that will eventually be very, very good for them and for the US.”
Translation: I voted for George W. Bush, but I don’t want to say so directly because I might alienate some people who want to buy my book.

Kelly, when asked what advice he’d give to high school students: “Without sounding like I’m selling I’d urge them to read my book.”
Translation: I don’t care about students. Just please buy my book so I don’t have to resort to giving handjobs for crack after March.

Kelly: “Great question. Every person has to define their own success. Always reaching and never being fulfilled doesn’t = happiness, does it? There is a great Web site where my blog is located that focuses on just these issues. The company is called Zaadz and my good friend founded it. Here is my blog link: http://takecommand.zaadz.com/”
Translation: Doing a chat at washingtonpost.com is so much easier than buying advertisements, and also easier than thinking up thoughtful answers to people’s questions.

Kelly, on when his contract ends: “I’m also raising a Venture Capital Fund called Angel-Led Venture Partners (http://www.angel-led.com/) where we co-invest with leading angel groups across the US in early stage ventures. I love helping entrepreneurs. You can learn more about all of this on my Web site http://www.kellyperdew.com/.”
Translation: For the past year, I’ve used the Trump Organization’s Internet connection to register domain names.

Kelly, on how one defines leadership: “Pete Dawkins, one of the business icons I interviewed for my book TAKE COMMAND, [...]“
Translation: I am actually taking a bath right now; my computer just randomly types answers that refer to buying my book.

Kelly, on how well-received he’s been inside the Trump Organzation: “The Trump Organization has been very open in taking me in. In general though, I think any time you enter a new position you are going to have some challenges. If you have the right attitude, work hard, be respectful of those around you, and perform…you’ll be on the road to success.”
Translation: Someone gave me a swirlie, and while I was drying off, they glued my pencils to my desk. I think it was Carolyn.

Kelly, on his goals: “I’m very excited about Angel-Led Venture Partners (http://www.angel-led.com/), my new venture capital firm. [...] I’m very much looking forward to making those companies successful over the coming years.”
Translation: My plan is to just keep doing Q&As and see how that goes.

Kelly, in response to absoultely nothing: “If anyone has any other questions or comments about my book, TAKE COMMAND, please visit my forums at http://www.kellyperdewforums.com/. I look forward to reading your examples (both good and bad!) of leadership.”
Translation: I didn’t mention this, but my forums are organzied like the chapters of my book. Please post there. But buy the book first.

Book: “Take Command” [Washington Post]

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.