The world falls to its knees and sobs as final HOH Ivette evicts Janelle

And the fucking Friendship has won. The delusional, megalomaniacal, self-indulgent, stuck-up cult of “friends” who bonded over their ostracization of others finally defeated their last opponent, as Ivette won the final HOH competition and evicted Janelle.

But first, Big Brother 6 delivered one final, incredibly dramatic episode. I threw up, like, five times.

First, we saw the conclusion of the first part of the final HOH competition; Janelle fell off first, leaving Maggie and Ivette to compete. Ivette won–although she suspected that Maggie once again threw the competition for her benefit–and was rewarded with the contents of the third safe ( two Vespas).

Maggie and Janelle faced off in the second part, which involved answering questions about the number of times certain things happened in the house. The really sad part is, I’ve devoted three months of my life to this show, and I had no idea what the answers to most of the questions were. The competition was close, but Janelle won, and went on to face Ivette live in the final HOH competition.

In the meantime, we had some strategy talk. Ivette proved that she still doesn’t understand the game or have any brains whatsoever. She told Maggie, “Janelle’s taking you, Maggie, I know it.” Um, if Janelle had won, you idiot, she would have picked you, because neither of you have any chance against Maggie. Maggie is clearly more universally loved and respected as a player by the jury; Ivette has potential enemies on the jury from her own alliance, and Maggie does not.

Later, Janelle tried to explain this to Ivette. “You have a choice,” Janelle said. “Do you want the money or do you want a friend? … If you want to win the money, you can’t pick Maggie. That’s second place, not first. That’s a fact.” However, Janelle’s efforst were for nothing; even writing it on a 2×4 and slamming it into Ivette’s temple wouldn’t have helped the message register.

Thus we came down to the final competition, involving questions about what jury members said while in the jury house. In other words, it was a test that it was impossible to study for. The damn jury members kept giving lame answers that sounded nothing like their in-house selves. Thus, since Ivette is an idiot, she led 2 to 1 by the fifth question. It came down to the final question; Janelle switched her answer at the last possible second; we had a tie.

Things could not have been more intense; this is one of the times when I barfed a little.

The chalkboards came out for the tiebreaker. Julie asked, “What is the combined total of all votes cast to evict this season?” The two women did lots of math, and Julie gave them an extended period of time to answer. They revealed their answers, and both had written the same number! 66. What are the odds? (The correct answer was 74.)

Julie didn’t even stumble (our host is learning), and gave them a second tiebreaker. “How many hours have you lived in the Big Brother house form the night you entered until 5 p.m. this evening?” Once again, they did math. Janelle answered 1900, and Ivette answered, 1875. The answer was 1797; Ivette won, and it was over.

Ivette then evicted Janelle live, telling her, “You know what’s coming. But I have to evict you, Janelle, because I have a promise to keep. But I want you to know, I think you’re amazing. Truly, I do.”

With that, the Friendship completed its decimation of Kaysar’s alliance, and Friendship fans rejoiced while Friendship haters looked for objects that would help them open their wrists.

One episode remains: the final, live finale at 9 p.m. ET on Tuesday.