Beau is evicted; Ivette becomes HOH; Holly returns and makes us go deaf

As the sidebar notes, I was going to take the weekend off, but if Julie Chen can show up to host the special Saturday double-eviction episode, I can wake up from my nap, wipe the Cheeto cheese off my fingers, and write about tonight’s Big Brother 6 episode.

This evening, Beau left the house, thus breaking up the final remaining pair. Now, none of the hamsters will walk away with $1 million. Someone at CBS is probably doing a dance because now, instead of giving out $1.25 million in prize money for the first- and second-place finishers, they only have to pay out $550,000.

On this Labor Day weekend edition, the producers decided to punish the houseguests and us by letting Holly from Big Brother 5 enter the house to run the veto competition. Couldn’t they get a real celebrity, like some Apprentice reject? Holly’s return was perhaps the most atrociously annoying thing I’ve seen on television in a long time; now I’m glad I missed a lot of last season.

I started dabbing the blood from my ears but just gave up because Holly was screaming “yay!” so much that I couldn’t keep up with the flow. When she shrieked, “Maggie, you’re the winner of the golden power of veto!” all of the glass shattered in my house and my fish committed suicide. (Just kidding about the fish, as I don’t have any, but Holly’s getting the bill for my windows.)

After the ceremony, Holly thankfully disappeared, and then April broke down when Maggie threatened to use the veto, which would have forced Howie to nominate April. Ultimately, Maggie kept Ivette and Beau on the block, and the Friendship unanimously discarded Beau. The best thing about Beau being evicted instead of Ivette is that he’ll finally be exposed to the outside world and learn that upturned collars on polo shirts are no longer hip. Then again, they weren’t exactly in style when he entered the house.

Ivette became HOH, but only after Maggie–out of sympathy? strategy?–apparently threw the tiebreaker question during the HOH competition. Earlier, we saw that Ivette was crushed that she didn’t win HOH on Thursday. “I’m so angry and disappointed. Why I can’t get blessed?” she said. The gods must love her, as she won just days after throwing her temper-tantrum. (Her fit also included a rant against Janelle: “She’s got the worst soul I have ever seen in a human being.” This from a woman who called Kaysar a “fake Muslim” and who once said, “I told God I hated him today.”)

Before gaining control herself, Ivette was so appalled that the other team won Thursday’s HOH that she said, “I’m dumbstruck, I truly am.”

Almost, Ivette, almost. Drop the “struck” and you’re there.