ABC wants Michael Schiavo to be the next Bachelor, which could air soon.

This post is part of the satiricial April 1, 2005 edition.

ABC wants Michael Schiavo to be the next Bachelor, which could air soon.
ABC has contacted Michael Schiavo’s lawyers, trying to negotiate an appearance on the network’s Bachelor franchise. Speaking on condition of anonymity, an ABC entertainment division exec said, “Along with all other media outlets, opportunistic Republican and Democratic politicians, and hypocrites of all flavors, our news division has already exploited Michael, his wife, her family, and this whole tragic situation, so why shouldn’t we?” The network is hoping to start filming the series as soon as possible, and may even shorten the current season to get the new series to air faster. The exec said, “Everyone knows him right now. It just sucks we cast this unknown dolt Charlie O’Connell for this season.” When asked to respond to reports, a PR person said, “Silly blogger, we only give out info when we have some piece of crap to promote.” A media buyer expressed hope for this new season, saying, “ABC’s utter incompetence when it comes to reality series has left The Bachelor on the reality TV version of a feeding tube, so this makes perfect sense.”

Surprisingly, man not eaten alive on Eaten Alive

Eaten Alive

Discovery Channel’s happy family holiday special Eaten Alive aired Sunday, rewarding viewers for their two full hours of viewing by ensuring that they spent quality time in the company of others instead of wasting that time doing something else that might not have been as satisfying, such as buying things that have labels which accurately reflect their contents.


Winter 2015 reality TV debut schedule

winter 2015 reality TV schedule

Mark your calendars with all these upcoming reality TV show debuts, including Celebrity Apprentice, The Bachelor, and another season of MasterChef Junior, all of which kick off in early January.

There are also 20+ shows debuting in December--including the one-off return of The Sing Off. No winter break for reality TV.

about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.