Jessica is pregnant, will divorce Nick.

This post is part of the satirical April 1, 2004 edition; however, Nick and Jessica announced their real separation on Nov. 23, 2005.

Jessica is pregnant, will divorce Nick.
Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey are having a baby–but Nick won’t be around to see the birth. Announcing her pregnancy, Jessica said she felt Nick tricked her into having his child: “He put his purple-headed yogurt slinger in my fuzzy taco without the Saran Wrap, and now there’s, like, a baby in my tummy tum tum tum.”

Jessica says the couple regularly used Saran Wrap and Coca-Cola for protection; she learned about those in her abstinence-only sex ed class. Nick insisted it wasn’t his fault, saying, “Do you really think I want my genes to mix with hers? I’m glad this happened, though; I really can’t stand her. Let’s see how well her solo career does without the benefits of my shadow.” Jessica’s producer/manager/pimp/father Joe Simpson denied that he was in any way responsible for her pregnancy: “I only whore my daughter out to MTV and ABC; I wouldn’t take advantage of her. But I’m glad she’s preggers because now I can produce more shows.”

Production on Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica has ceased, but the couple’s separation and ultimate divorce will be chronicled in Newlydivorced: Nick and Jessica, which will air on MTV this fall. A spin-off, Newlyborn: Nick and Jessica’s Spawn, will chronicle the prengnacy and childhood of the baby, from zygote to afterbirth to first steps.

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about the writer

Andy Dehnart is a journalist who has covered reality television for more than 15 years and created reality blurred in 2000. A member of the Television Critics Association, his writing and criticism about television, culture, and media has appeared on NPR and in Playboy, Buzzfeed, and many other publications. Andy, 36, also directs the journalism program at Stetson University in Florida, where he teaches creative nonfiction and journalism. He has an M.F.A. in nonfiction writing and literature from Bennington College. More about reality blurred and Andy.